So turns out that dark, dark place I was in a couple of months ago, was actually depression.

I wish I hadn’t been so stubborn and I wish I had done something about it sooner because after my last post, I kind of went into a tailspin and really could see no light at the end of the tunnel, no joy, nothing. I was just done.

My husband suggested postpartum depression and through the tears and anger I was dealing with I didn’t think he was wrong so I found a therapist who specializes in postpartum depression and made an appointment.

That was almost three months ago and I can finally say I am beginning to see the sun through the clouds. Through this therapist, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety, and after a couple of sessions and seeing no improvement in my mood, we figured I should go see a psychiatrist to try and get some new medicine to aid in my recovery.

This new psychiatrist is amazing. I’ve seen one before for my anxiety, but that lady only made my anxiety worse and I cried every time I met with her. This new one, though, she was a breath of fresh air. So warm and supportive and non judgmental. She diagnosed me with major depressive disorder, brought on by postpartum depression … aka I let the postpartum go untreated for too long and had ended up in a mess. But she prescribed me Buspar and an extremely low-dose of Zoloft due to my sensitivity with medications, and almost a month alter I’m doing better.

My therapist thinks I could be doing even better, though – and she’s not wrong – so next week I have another appointment with my psychiatrist to give an update and adjust my medication.

Because moms never get to deal with one crisis at a time, while all of this has been going on, I’ve also been dealing with an increasingly independent toddler who is also increasingly having complete and utter meltdowns over NOTHING. And they aren’t just your run of the mill tantrums – they are epic, pull your hair, claw your face, bite your face, sob huge crocodile tear tantrums. So if my nerves weren’t raw enough, this has just been the icing on a really crappy cake. I’ve handled most of it OK, but I have my seriously weak moments where all I want to do is scream that I know I still have a lot of work to do. So out of desperation this week I ordered three books on the development boys so that I can better understand what he’s dealing with and how I can handle it in a more positive way.

I’ll let you know how the books are.

In the meantime, we also got some big news around the time I started going to therapy. I’M PREGNANT.

Yup, pregnant with number 2 and dealing with a toddler who’s somehow already going through the terrible twos and dealing with a depression that has been so hard to cope with some days.

Suffice it to say, I am constantly EXHAUSTED. The first 11 weeks I was so nauseated, even the idea of food made me want to vomit. I couldn’t even open the fridge without gagging.

Then last week, all of a sudden the nausea lifted and the insane hunger took over. I gained no weight in the first 11 weeks of this pregnancy and then this past week I’ve gained nearly three pounds. Oops. Was hoping I wouldn’t gain anything until the second trimester, but knowing me, I should have known better haha.

So things are crazy right now, but at least I’m coping … mostly. Oh, my husband also may be facing a job change that could require us to move to Texas, if not immediately, then in the next two years. So yeah … always something.

But there’s the update. I’m really hoping to make more time to blog in the next few months because I feel like if I don’t I’ll have no record of this pregnancy because my son occupies every minute of my waking day.

And now he’s having another tantrum because I’m on the computer and not doting on him, so off I go.

Enjoy your weekend, everyone.

And if your’e dealing with even an ounce of depression or anxiety that seems out of the norm for you, please go talk to someone. You won’t regret it.

As my therapist says “if the mom goes down, the whole ship goes down,” so take care of yourselves.

xo

 

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