I don’t know if it’s my hormones from somewhat having a cycle again, or if it’s hormones from weaning or if I’m just crazy, but my anxiety issues have reached an all-time high lately and I am just in a not great place at the moment.
I’m so tired and so incredibly irritable that I honestly scare myself sometimes.
It might be that I’m too plugged into what’s going on in the news these days and I can’t seem to shut it out, or that I’m just getting more and more worn out from having to do EVERYTHING for our family. I realize staying at home means I have a greater capacity to clean, cook, take care of the kiddo, dogs, etc., but do you know what there’s no capacity for … ME. I still don’t get any alone time, and when I ask my husband to help out so I can get some, it never happens. My requests seem to go in one ear and out the other.
The only time I’ve had help with Dean in the last couple of weeks was from my mother-in-law so I could go to the dentist and the OBGYN.
The other night I’d had ENOUGH, so once I got Dean in bed, I put on my running clothes and said “I’m leaving my phone here, I’m not taking a flash light, I just want to be left alone and unseen.” Safety-wise it maybe wasn’t the best thing to do, but mentally it was. I needed to be completely alone out there, with just my breath and my feet hitting the pavement. I need it more often, and my husband said “there’s no reason why you can’t do that regularly,” but then I get mad because he gets to swim three mornings a week, I get to run once every blue moon because guess what, at the END OF THE DAY, after I’ve taken care of everyone else, I am freaking TIRED. I told him today he’s not living up to the bargain we struck when he started swim – he swims three days a week and two days a week he takes morning duty so I can run. It has happened ONCE and I know it won’t happen.
But I have GOT to figure this out because otherwise my marriage and my son are going to suffer. I don’t know how to steal time for myself. As I write this I’m in the playroom with Dean who is running amuck happily, but who will have a fit and fall in it if I step to the other side of the baby gate to write this in my office.
This isn’t about losing my identity, or feeling a lack of purpose … I have all of that. What I need and want is sanity and alone time, at a time of day when I’m not too freakin’ exhausted to enjoy it.
So please, moms, tell me what you do. How do I make this happen so I can go back to being a happy, fun mom and a somewhat decent wife.